Wednesday, February 21, 2018

Pro Wrestling SKOOPZ on The Wrestling Blog: Vol. 4, Issue 8

A BONA FIDE HALL OF FAMER
Photo Credit: WWE.com
Well, well, well, HORB FLERBMINBER is back to give you all the news you can shove into your shopping cart without tripping an alarm. How much is that, exactly? Well, it's WAY more than bottles of Malört at Binny's Beverage Depot, that's for sure. I KNOW THAT FROM EXPERIENCE. Anyway, I will have all the best news and opinions this week, WAY MORE than that hack Dave Meltzer. Did you know he trolls Tumblr for information to smear assault victims? That part isn't a joke. Fuck him. Anyway...

Tuesday, February 20, 2018

Play To Your Roster's Strengths: On Seth Rollins' Star Turn

Rollins shone because he dictated his path, not management
Photo Credit: WWE.com
RAW has opened with a 20 minute promo so many times in its history, one can be forgiven if they watched last night, got nearly two-thirds of the way through the telecast before the first match ended, and were flabbergasted at the dedication served to an actual in-ring product that wasn't truncated, formulaic for television, or unimportant. Sure, the premise of it was, in a word, stupid if you didn't immerse yourself in the experience. Six days out from Elimination Chamber and putting all seven competitors in a grueling marathon match for zero stakes felt like the most Vince McMahon-as-demented-autocrat decision ever. However, Seth Rollins and Roman Reigns from the beginning set the scene in a way that it demanded your attention to forget about the lack of tangible stakes outside of the classic "winner's purse" ploys that old school color commentators would dangle as a reason.

An Essay on Caring about the WWE Hall of Fame

If the Hall of Fame had objective merit, why is Jarrett in and Chyna not?
Photo Credit: WWE.com
The announcement of Jeff Jarrett's induction into the WWE Hall of Fame had a side effect of people getting really adamant, defensive, jumpy even about who gets into the club. The discussion turns to who is worthy of being inducted, with people unleashing vitriol in attack of those they feel unworthy or in defense of those they feel deserve to be there. When you boil down worth or eligibility to its core, you'd find out the only thing that gets someone into the WWE Hall of Fame or keeps them out is the whim of an insane old man. Vince McMahon doesn't really give a flying shit about what titles you won, how much money you drew, or anything else but if he thinks you can net him a few extra tickets sold or another round of great publicity.

Monday, February 19, 2018

The Wrestling Blog's OFFICIAL Best in the World Rankings for February 19, 2018

BRAAAAUUUUUUNNNN
Photo Credit: WWE.com
Welcome to a feature I like to call "Best in the World" rankings. They're not traditional power rankings per se, but they're rankings to see who is really the best in the world, a term bandied about like it's bottled water or something else really common. They're rankings decided by me, and don't you dare call them arbitrary lest I smack the taste out of your mouth. Without further ado, here's this week's list:

1. Braun Strowman (Last Week: 4) - Look, how could I not put Strowman first. The goddamn cello puts him in the running for greatest RAW segment of all-time. Seriously.

2. Joel Embiid (Last Week: 6) - Embiid played in his first all-star game last night and continued the process along of adopting Russell Westbrook, first by hitting a RAINBOW of a three pointer over him from WAY downtown and then chasing him down and blocking him at the other end. Lord help the Oklahoma City Thunder if they're on the other end of the Sixers' first (or any subsequent) trip to the NBA Finals.

3. Chloe Kim (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Not only did she take home the gold in snowboarding at the Winter Olympics, she did so while tweeting during the competition. If you think that's not cool as hell, you're too goddamn old.

Jeff Jarrett's Grave Has Been Dug Up

Back from the dead
Photo Credit: WWE.com
About 18 months ago or so, I received a TweetBag question about what would entail a "burial at sea" in wrestling, a burial so heinous that it could not be undone. The example I used was of Jeff Jarrett, who twice carnied the shit out of Vince McMahon to the point where the chairman of WWE called him a "Goonie" on the simulcast of RAW and the final episode of Monday Nitro. Jarrett jumped ship in 1995 while under contract, and somehow because of the climate, he was allowed back. He was going to jump ship again, but he had to drop the Intercontinental Championship to Chyna first, and well, he didn't wanna drop the title to a dang woman without some more money up front. McMahon told him to pound sand and was so offended that everyone assumed Jarrett was going to WWE what Uncle Ben Parker was to comics, the only person who'd stay dead. Anyway, burial at sea, this is what I wrote about it way back in July of 2015:

Friday, February 16, 2018

NXT In 60 Seconds

SURPRISE
Photo Credit: WWE.com
Pete Dunne: comes out to a massive ovation You know how this ends.  And you're really going to try it?
Roderick Strong: also comes out to a strong pop Try it?  This is the time I succeed at it.
Both: grapple the other to a stalemate, go for their finisher and fail at it

Thursday, February 15, 2018

Twitter Request Line, Vol. 224

PIZZZZZZAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Photo Credit: TH
It's Twitter Request Line time, everyone! I take to Twitter to get questions about issues in wrestling, past and present, and answer them on here because 140 characters can't restrain me, fool! If you don't know already, follow me @tholzerman, and wait for the call on Wednesday to ask your questions. Hash-tag your questions #TweetBag, and look for the bag to drop Thursday afternoon (most of the time). Without further ado, here are your questions and my answers:

For those who don't know, FMK is the "fuck, marry, kill" game, usually played with three people. It's crude, but it relays certain desires. It's way less problematic when done with food, unless you're one of those kinky mfers who likes foodplay in the bedroom. Note, I am not here to fuck the pizza. In this case, the "fuck" is for pizza I'd enjoy on a fling or once in awhile, "marry" is the pizza that I default to all the time, and "kill" is the pizza I'd throw into the trash.

Wednesday, February 14, 2018

Pro Wrestling SKOOPZ on The Wrestling Blog: Vol. 4, Issue 7

ROUSEY NEWS!
Photo Credit: WWE.com
Today is the most important day of the week. Why? Valentine's Day? NO, that's just a day invented by WWE to honor Greg The Hammer. Ash Wednesday? Pfft, Jesus Christ was a mark. No, it's HORB NEWSLETTER DAY. That's right, PRO WRESTLING SKOOPZ is back with your man HORB FLERBMINBER bringing you the high heat on takes and all the fresh news. Who has the better handle on news? Not Bruce Mitchell, that's for damn sure. HE SPENDS MOST OF HIS TIME ON REDDIT BEING SHOCKED AT KENNY OMEGA'S SEXUALITY.

Tuesday, February 13, 2018

No Ethical Consumption in Capitalism: The Wrestling Streaming Debacle

Imagine throwing away all your goodwill over this schmuck, and yet...
Photo Credit: Scott Finkelstein
So, Michael Elgin was found to be badmouthing and harassing a victim of sexual assault from one of his students three months ago, give or take a couple of days. Indie wrestling companies in America lined up to vociferously denounce him and cancel his bookings, even though he still kept working for New Japan Pro Wrestling. Then again, Bushiroad's response to allegations of domestic abuse against Tomoaki Honma was non-existent, so why would it punish Elgin? Anyway, AAW's response to the allegations, that the promotion would not book him until things blew over, essentially, seemed to portend that Elgin would be back on the scene sooner rather than later. And well, if you had money on "sooner," you'd be correct.

The Guy Can Be Funny Sometimes

GET THESE HANDS... ON THIS BASS
Photo Credit: WWE.com
Jim Cornette is a yutz. I can't stress this enough. However, he was a manager during the Jim Crockett Promotions days and booked Smoky Mountain Wrestling, so people pay attention to him when he says the Lucha Underground Temple should be nuked with every worker and fan inside or when he threatens someone for daring to sell for a child. The line "funny don't equal money" is a popular mantra in that comedy acts don't draw. Laughs are for breaks in the action, but the real drama comes with super serious, personal issue-driven feuds, and if you're a top guy, you can't partake in comedic endeavors lest you be labeled a geek.

Monday, February 12, 2018

The Wrestling Blog's OFFICIAL Best in the World Rankings for February 12, 2018

THE MAN, THE MYTH, LEGEND
Photo Credit: Alex Brandon/AP Photo
Welcome to a feature I like to call "Best in the World" rankings. They're not traditional power rankings per se, but they're rankings to see who is really the best in the world, a term bandied about like it's bottled water or something else really common. They're rankings decided by me, and don't you dare call them arbitrary lest I smack the taste out of your mouth. Without further ado, here's this week's list:

1. Jason Kelce (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Kelce got dressed up like a mummer, drunk as a skunk, and made the most epic victory speech of all-time. It was such a fuckin' awesome wrestling promo that he should go down to the Performance Center to teach them after his football days are over. If he ever has to buy a drink in Philly, everyone in this city will have failed at life.

2. Asuka (Last Week: Not Ranked) - Sasha Banks and Bayley are great wrestlers, but really, they're not competition for Asuka. When's she gonna get someone on her level, like a literal rhinoceros? Nah, even that would be unfair, for the rhino.

3. Mirai Nagasu (Last Week: Not Ranked) - The figure skater was the first American to hit a triple axel, and it was THE thing that the Olympics needed after that shitshow of an opening ceremony. To be fair, the ceremony itself was fine, especially for the shirtless Tongan who wore what he'd wear on a Sunday afternoon on atoll in his homeland to a place with negative degree wind chill. Everyone lost their shit over Mike Pence and Kim Yo-jong watching them from their seats. Look, I don't care about which homicidal world leader you stan for, I really don't. Throw out every world leader and live in communal peace with shared wealth for all I care. But Nagasu hitting that move on the ice? Yeah, that's the stuff.

Don't Look to Wrestling for Your Woke Daddies

Ryan isn't your woke daddy, but no one in wrestling should be
Photo Credit: Mikey Nolan
Joey Ryan is known for two things nowadays: wrestling a style completely based around his penis and speaking up on Twitter on behalf of women wrestlers. It's garnered him a checkered reputation among the wrestling community, but generally, sex positivity and sticking up for women combine to allow anyone to accept the benefit of some modicum of doubt as whether or not they're a decent person. At the very least, it's a breath of fresh air from the rotten garbage that populates the wrestling industry, like noted statutory rapist Chasyn Rance and accused domestic abuser Adam Rose, right? Well, about that...

Friday, February 9, 2018

NXT In 60 Seconds

This place looks like a tornado trios match just hit it
Photo Credit: WWE.com

ExDragon: ostensibly show up to defend their championships
SAnitY: jump them from behind
Pier 6: ensues, won by the ex champions
Regal: Enough!  This ends tonight — in a tornado match!
SAnitY: yesssss gooood
the Era: uh, first of all, how dare you

Thursday, February 8, 2018

Twitter Request Line, Vol. 223

E-A-G-L-E-S EAGLES
Photo Credit: Getty Images
It's Twitter Request Line time, everyone! I take to Twitter to get questions about issues in wrestling, past and present, and answer them on here because 140 characters can't restrain me, fool! If you don't know already, follow me @tholzerman, and wait for the call on Wednesday to ask your questions. Hash-tag your questions #TweetBag, and look for the bag to drop Thursday afternoon (most of the time). Without further ado, here are your questions and my answers:

I'm going to let these guys handle it:



go birds

Wednesday, February 7, 2018

Pro Wrestling SKOOPZ on The Wrestling Blog: Vol. 4, Issue 6

Jordan has neck issues
Photo Credit: WWE.com
So, are all you REPROBATES and BELLENDS done celebrating the Super Bowl? Huh? HUH? I know Holzerman isn't, that motherfucker. He still stinks of Victory Golden Monkey and horseshit. WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS DOING ALL THAT HIGHFALLUTIN' STUFF. Only rat vomit and Jeppsen's Malort for your newsmaster, HORB FLERBMINBER. That's right, I'm DRUNK ALL THE TIME, not just when some shitty football team finally stops being shitty long enough to win something. BESIDES, I'M A FAN OF THE DECATUR STALEYS. It's hard to be disappointed with a team that DOESN'T EVEN EXIST ANYMORE.