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| What did Punk say this time? Photo Credit: WWE.com |
Of course, I can't be everywhere mining EVERY scoop. I am not God, no matter how many times I thought I was when drinking a cocktail of Thunderbird and mescaline. I need YOUR help in giving me tips and hints, and I need you not to be so EGOTISTICAL that you'd want credit for it. You're already helping me out, WHAT MORE COULD YOU EVER WANT? Jerk. Anyway, if you want to send me those scoops, send them to ProWrestlingSKOOPZ@gmail.com. And if you need the up-to-the-femtosecond scoops, then you need to be following my Twitter account. Go fire up the Twitter Machine and follow @HorbFlerbminber. If you don't follow me, how can I count on you to know when CM Punk breaks my jaw for a FOURTH time? That guy is bloodthirsty, I SWEAR. That's why he'll do MAJOR BUSINESS in the Octagon. MAJOR. BUSINESS.
If you want back issues of the newsletter, then I need assurance that you won't take those issues and hand them over to the enemy. I need ASSURANCES. ALL OF THEM. The last time I sold an issue, it ended up in the wrong hands. Whose hands did it end up in? I won't say, but his name rhymes with Lion Smalvarez. I CAN'T RISK THAT HAPPENING AGAIN. So if you want to buy a back issue, then I need you to take a BLOOD OATH that you won't sell or give those goods to the wrong people, or else I will come after you. But then again, it could be too late. TOO LATE.
I would also like to take this time for promotional consideration from the newsletter's latest sponsor, John Zandig Bail Bonds Incorporated. Have you ever been arrested for robbing a bank with a sex toy? Did you happen to give someone hepatitis against their will? Have you been thrown in the klink for public intoxication, lagging behind child support, or any other misdemeanor offense? Then John Zandig Bail Bonds will provide you up-front bail money with a fair, 44% interest rate upon repayment. Why take my word for it when you can hear about someone whom the service has helped, Nick Gage, who only spoke to me on a condition of anonymity:
Yeah, when I stuck up that bank, Zandig bailed me out, man. I'm forever grateful, so grateful that I'm gonna help lead a coup to oust DJ Hyde and insert Zandig back... hey, are you SURE my name isn't gonna be attached to this?With testimony like that, how can you not patronize this service?
Remember, don't remember.
- CM Punk recently called wrestling "fake," and he said that being a UFC fighter is an easy job. This is confirmation that REAL wrestling is the superior kind of wrestling and that Punk will go 51-0 before retiring in his MMA career.
- The Briscoe Brothers did not sign a developmental contract with WWE this week as they were expected. Sources say that ROH gave them a better offer than WWE did, but other sources say Triple H rescinded the contract after hearing about the brothers using homophobic slurs on Twitter. He was quoted as saying "Look, that's Rock's bit, and he's angling for a big match at WrestleMania 32. I can't risk pissing him off by hiring dudes biting off his shtick, y'know?"
- Speaking of The Rock, he apparently helped assuage doubts with UFC head honcho Dana White about Ronda Rousey appearing at WrestleMania. Sources say Rock pulled White aside and reminded him that technically, Rousey wasn't a person because of her gender.
- Daniel Bryan has been pulled from the rest of the European tour as a precaution against further injuring his neck. WWE officials decided to make the move when they saw Bryan's head dangling in front of his chest, attached to his neck by a single nerve. In unrelated news, Bryan is in the running for a guest spot as the Headless Horseman on the FOX drama, Sleepy Hollow.
- Bray Wyatt's promos lately have been hinting at another mystery feud. Speculation on his opponent has run the gamut from Triple H to Dolph Ziggler. However, my inside sources have CONFIRMED that his next opponent will be, you guessed it, Frank Stallone.
- Tommy Dreamer has announced taking the House of Hardcore promotion to Canada for the first time, an exciting move for him as it is the first time he's ever run a promotion that had enough people who weren't blocked from entering Canada because of prior criminal history.
- Jey Uso is out with major shoulder problems for the next six months, so expect Jimmy Uso to be jobbing to Adam Rose and Jack Swagger on Superstars for the next six months.
- WWE signed 11 new wrestlers to the Performance Center this week, including indie standouts Jessie McKay, Uhaa Nation, and Magno. Bill DeMott was sighted looking through the Performance Center window, wistfully thinking about all the different ways he could have harassed and abused those new trainees before he was given the heave-ho.
- MAIN EVENT SPOILERS: Darren Young slays a dragon while Titus O'Neil acts as his hypeman. Hey, no one can see this show anymore, so that could have conceivably happened and you'd believe me, right?
- Correction yesterday, and is among the biggest star Ben Askren, headed by 24.04 20:00 ET Manila next exhibition tournament. Kallang, Singapore in 2205 to say that the next show.
- Olde Wrestling will be presenting its fourth show, Speakeasy Spectacular, May 8. I asked head booker Marion Fontaine how he keeps bringing stars from the past to his shows and what time travel secrets he has, but he just opened up a time portal and had Stanislaus Zbyszko stretch me until I screamed "UNCLE!"
- Taz did not show up to do voiceover work for TNA broadcasts in Nashville because his pay was late. Dixie Carter was overheard as saying "What a wimp and a baby, I'm three months late on paying most of the wrestlers, and they're not complaining!"
- TNA wrestlers recently showed off their paychecks to counter rumors and reports that pay had been late. However, each photo had their thumb covering the date on the check, fueling speculation that those were old or in some cases fake pay stubs.
- SHIMMER RESULTS: No one threw a fireball, but Aja Kong showed up, so it was a wash.
- Meninism Monthly has named Josh Mathews' podcast the best wrestling show on the 'Net.
- DID FANDANGO TURN BABYFACE ON MONDAY? Considering I bought movie tickets for The Longest Ride via Fandango and it keeps telling me it's not sending them to me because of "insufficient funds," I doubt it.
- A full listing of letter grades given to WWE cities has been posted, and as expected, Roman Reigns' hometown of Pensacola, FL, has been given the highest grade at "A++++++++++++++++++."
- Rob Gronkowski revealed that he might have aspirations to enter the Performance Center after his football career, which automatically makes his post-football prospects a million times better than former teammate Aaron Hernandez.
- Gronkowski also revealed that he's friends with Mojo Rawley, which is the most uncool thing he's ever admitted about himself, despite the fact that this photoset exists.
- Last week's poll results were eaten by a goat. This week's poll:
