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| Oooh, they got in trouuuuuble... Photo Credit: WWE.com |
Now, you could just read my scoops, but where's the fun in just doing that? You can also follow me on Twitter, @HorbFlerbminber. You can get all the up-to-the-second news from my feed, and also I've gotten my hack attacks down to once every other week, down from twice an hour. No more spam on your timeline! You can also check out my back issues, which you can purchase if you've ever made love to someone so right and true that you feel it in your bones. If not, maybe I'll sell to you, but it's not a guarantee. Anyway, you can buy these back issues if you'd like and more:
- May 21, 1958 - Extensive coverage of me getting my pilonidal cyst lanced.
- October 8, 1975 - The plane crash that nearly ended Ric Flair's career. Was he lucky that he was banging the stewardess at the time and thus had someone to break his fall? I analyze in-depth.
- July 6, 1983 - Where did Harley Race get the money to put the bounty up for Ric Flair? Was it a loan from Panamanian strongman Manuel Noriega? No, but it was fun to pretend for half an issue.
- February 10, 1988 - Complete coverage of Ted DiBiase's purchase of the WWF Championship, including itemization of all taxes and fees, and how Vince McMahon's decision to nullify the decision was A TOTAL MOVE OF THE NANNY STATE.
- December 15, 1999 - On second thought, don't order this issue. It's bad. Really bad.
- The biggest news of the week is that Sami Zayn and Kevin Owens were sent home from the European tour for "not saluting the all-great and powerful god-emperor Triple H the required five times while in Gorilla." That's a direct quote from the press release I get from WWE that tells me what stories I can and can't report on.
- Owens took the opportunity upon arriving home to surprise a wedding reception by appearing, which caused Randy Orton to make a fat joke, in case you needed another reason to think he was a gigantic piece of human garbage.
- WWE has released James Ellsworth into the wilds of Yukon with only a stick, a pelt made out of squirrel hides, and 30 ringgit. If he survives and makes it to Point Barrow by Christmas, he won't be released from his WWE contract.
- Conor McGregor showed up at Bellator 187, jumped in the ring unannounced and unplanned, and assaulted a referee. Dave Meltzer was quoted as saying "Now THAT'S how you do a motherfucking invasion angle, bitches."
- Jack Swagger signed with Bellator MMA. Expert say he'll end up just like CM Punk except for the fact that he's younger than Punk and actually has amateur wrestling experience. However, if Punk couldn't do it, NO ONE CAN, DO YOU HEAR ME?
- Paige was spotted backstage at RAW. Rumors said that she might have gotten the final spot on the RAW women's Survivor Series team, but those plans were thrown into doubt when she posted a page of the script of RAW that spelled out her victory with the caption "This is me, I'm going to win and be the sole survivor and there's nothing anyone can do about it, not Vince, not Stephanie, not even God himself."
- Paige also proclaimed herself to be single. In response, Alberto el Patron no-showed three shows this weekend.
- Wait, I'm hearing the two events are unrelated.
- WWE has shortened its tour in India because it seems Indian people are, according to Vince McMahon, "INGRATES WHO DON'T KNOW WHEN TO APPRECIATE WHEN I DO SOMETHING NICE FOR THEM, FUCK YOU."
- WWE has replaced one of the Indian dates with a stop in Abu Dhabi, UAE, with special guest Nermal.
- The main event of the Abu Dhabi show will be Triple H against Roman Reigns. Triple H said he chose Abu Dhabi for the WrestleMania 32 rematch because "It'll be easier to dig the sand when I bury Reigns."
- Tickets for WrestleMania 34 have gone on sale, and the fact that they aren't completely sold out by now shows WWE is a garbage fire of a promotion that deserves to have all its assets seized by the government.
- SMACKDOWN REPORT: Charlotte Flair won the Smackdown Women's Championship and celebrated by being greeted by her father, Ric. However, Anonymous Backstage Tipster CJ Perry relayed to me "Ugh, I can't believe they let Charlotte have the belt in her first shot, and they had me lose all those flash matches to Naomi. Reverse racism much?"
- Triple H's return to RAW to take Jason Jordan's spot on the Survivor Series team will not be the last move. Sources say that Finn Bálor will be replaced by Bob Backlund, Samoa Joe will be subbed out for Abdullah the Butcher, and Sephiroth will summon Meteor to replace Braun Strowman. On the Smackdown side, everyone but Shane McMahon and John Cena will be replaced by Shane's children.
- Triple H also announced that NXT will hold three separate tapings at Center Stage in Atlanta, the location where World Championship Wrestling taped Saturday Night. He hopes to find the locations of the other five horcruxes that contain Ted Turner's soul so he can assume all the power of WCW and finally become one with wrestling.
- Daniel Bryan said that he thinks he has an 85 percent chance of wrestling again and a 20 percent chance it'll be in WWE. However, due to Price Is Right rules, he went over 100 percent and now may never wrestle again under pain of death should he violate.
- WWE has been negotiating with Neville on a return. When asked what brought it on, Triple H said "Well, I've been watching a lot of Jarek 1:20 pick-up videos and thought if I just started calling Neville up and negging him, I could get him to come back with little or no concession."
- New Japan Pro Wrestling announced its fiscal year financials and that they were up 20 percent over last year's, which is disappointing. You motherfuckers aren't supporting it hard enough. IT NEEDS TO BE UP AT LEAST 50 PERCENT, YOU CHEAP PIECES OF SHIT.
- Cody Rhodes listed his favorite matches of all-time, and funny enough, it was the same thing as that checklist of bookings he posted from right after he was released from WWE.
- Lucha Underground was renewed for a fourth season, because the executives at El Rey Network are PERVERTS who HATE WRESTLING.
- Konnan has been named the head writer for Arolucha, the lucha libre promotion owned by the Harris Bros. and booked by Vince Russo. So if you liked Lucha Underground and are also a Nazi with the attention span of a brain-damaged goldfish, this is the company for you.
- The Bludgeon Brothers will debut on Smackdown next week. Plans are already in place for when the crowd shits on them and they have to do a flash reunion with Bray Wyatt to get all three wrestlers positive reactions once again.
- Vince McMahon granted a wish for a 19 year-old fan but only if his mom granted McMahon's wish of sleeping with him first.
- Paul Heyman's promo on RAW was interrupted by a fan proposing to his girlfriend. In response, Heyman signaled for Bubba Ray Dudley to come out and cut a promo on the woman calling her... god, I can't print any transcript of this promo. I can't believe I thought this was good in 1997.
- Ring of Honor announced plans to start a streaming service. I asked Sinclair representative, Shadowy Figure in a Trenchcoat, why they picked now, and he said "Frankly, we just wanted to shut them up and we actually got a discount from the last round of loyalty pledges to Donald Trump, so."
- Simon Grimm, formerly Gotch, debuted for Ring of Honor over the weekend, but no one knew he was going to be there, because he announced it on his Twitter, where he has everyone except Larry King blocked, weirdly enough.
- Justin Credible posted about the WWE Wellness Program and how it allowed him to live the life he never thought he could without it, which oddly enough, was as a wandering troubadour in the forests of Wallachia.
- SHIMMER REPORT: Rosemary got hurt during the tapings. Apparently, Sexy Star did an unplanned run in and put her in another shoot armbar.
- The NWA Championship match that streamed Sunday night got 38,000 viewers on Facebook Live and Periscope, according to officials. However, at least 17,000 of them were alts from various Wrestling Twitter users.
Last week's poll results are in, and for some reason. you all think Chavo Guerrero will be the next premier of the Soviet Union. The Soviet Union hasn't existed for over 25 years. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? This week's poll:
